Me & Dani Shapiro on The Writing Life

"moments of being" - On Taking Risks: Wednesday, September 30, 2009
MY RESPONSE TO THIS POST ARE IN ALL CAPS THROUGHOUT THE POST BELOW:

It's all a high-wire act, isn't it? The writing? The sitting down to write? The thinking that we have anything worth saying? Every bit of good writing emerges from a wild place. Whether you are a person of faith or not, still, setting words down on the page is an act of faith. Whether you think you are a courageous person or not, trying to craft a narrative -- in other words, trying to create something out of nothing -- is an act of courage.
WHAT AN INTERESTING POINT OF VIEW, MRS. SHAPIRO. "WRITING IS AN ACT OF FAITH," CREATING "SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING IS AN ACT OF COURAGE." HM, TELL US MORE.

Now, of course we writers aren't necessarily faithful or courageous people. Not most of us. Not in our real lives.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, SISTER! SOME OF US ARE FAITHFUL, COURAGEOUS, AND DOWNRIGHT BALLSY!! YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW ENOUGH WRITERS...

Not when we climb out of bed in the morning and meet our own faces in the mirror. Coward! The mirror might reflect back at us. Faithless one! You, there--brushing your teeth. Yeah, you. Why do you think you have anything inside you worth saying?
UM, I HAVE PERSONALLY DONE THIS, I THINK ONE OF US HAS SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES. I FOR ONE, HAVE PLENTY TO SAY ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, BE THEY RIGHT OR WRONG, I HAVE AN OPINION. THAT'S WHAT I'M SHARING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Why do you think anyone will care?
BECAUSE I'M GOOD LIKE THAT! I HAPPEN TO KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I KNOW I CARE FOR WHAT A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY, TOO.

Recently I was going through a list of small pieces, short fiction and essays that I've written over the past few years. The list is pretty long, actually. And I had a moment, looking through that list, of realizing that every single one of those pieces had begun with the same process of resistance, wildness, faith, doubt, and ultimately just enough courage.
THAT'S PRETTY SAD, ACTUALLY. IF IT'S THAT TOUGH FOR YOU, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE WRITING. EVER THINK OF THAT?

Here goes nothing, the little voice in my head whispered again and again. Here goes nothing. But still--in the faith of that potential nothingness--I plunged forward anyway. Doggedly, determinedly, forward. That small kernel of wildness aglow inside me.
KERNEL? WOW, IS THAT IT? REALLY? BECAUSE, I HAVE A BLAZING BONFIRE ALIGHT IN MY HEART THAT REMINDS ME EVERY DAY THAT IF I DON'T WRITE TODAY, I AM LETTING SOMEONE IMPORTANT DOWN: ME!

Here goes nothing?
So what.
Maybe it will turn into something.
Maybe not.
I NEVER GO INTO WRITING THINKING THIS CRAP! I WOULD NEVER WRITE. NEVER FINISH, NEVER GET THROUGH THE DAY THINKING LIKE THIS. HOW DO YOU??

Almost all of those pieces worked out. They were published here and here and here. I have to remind myself every day that it's a risk--all of it.
AND WHAT, EXACTLY, ARE WE RISKING? FAILURE, HUMILIATION, NO PAYCHECK? REJECTION SLIPS ARE THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF STRONGER CHARACTER! YES, I SAY THAT BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN PUBLISHED BY "ANYONE ELSE." I WRITE AND PUT MY WRITING OUT THERE MYSELF. I DON'T REALLY "NEED" ANYONE ELSE'S STAMP OF APPROVAL ON MY WRITING...BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO GET, I SUPPOSE. TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE "VALIDATE" OUR WRITING WITH A DOLLAR AMOUNT...MAYBE.

Every day brings small satisfactions, small disappointments. Because my husband and I are both writers, our household is full of those ups and downs. The phone rings at dinner time with some crisis or another (the life of a Hollywood screenwriter). An email brings news that something I had hoped for is happening--or isn't. That roller coaster that is the life of two people who create.
AH, NOW I GET WHERE ALL Y OUR INSECURITIES ARE COMING FROM. YOU DO REALIZE THAT THE LAST SENTENCE YOU WROTE THERE IS A FRAGMENT, RIGHT?

Sometimes, when I'm aware that our young son is watching us, I wonder what he sees -- and whether it looks good to him, or whether some day he'll opt for a more stable life with fewer ups and downs. A life with clear parameters, predictable days, concrete results.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...GIVE THE KID SOME CREDIT - AND A LITTLE TIME.

Or maybe, just maybe--I'd like to think that he sees two people who are wrestling with their fears and insecurities, who hear their own internal censors, whispering Here goes nothing...but plunge forward despite our cowardice and faithlessness and uncertainty. Taking that daily risk despite ourselves.
"DESPITE OURSELVES?" SO, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU 'DEFINE YOURSELF' BY YOUR COWARDICE, FAITHLESSNESS, AND UNCERTAINTY?? I HATE TO TELL YOU, LADY, BUT THAT IS A SAD LITTLE LIFE YOU JUST DESCRIBED. I MEAN, I LIVE WITH AND SURVIVE DEPRESSION ON A DAILY BASIS AND MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE IS NOT NEARLY THAT GLOOMY!!

I LIVE MY LIFE CONTENT WHERE I AM ON THE WAY TO THE GREATNESS I AM MEANT TO HAVE! I HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE. IF YOU'RE JUST DEPENDING ON YOURSELF TO GET YOU THROUGH, THEN YOU WILL LIVE IN MISERY THE WAY YOU JUST DESCRIBED YOUR WRITING LIFE. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THE SUCCESS YOU HAVE HAD IS PRETTY EMPTY... OR, YOU WOULDN'T STILL FEEL THE WAY YOU DO DAILY, OR EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SIT DOWN TO WRITE SOMETHING!

I WONDER IF YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU WRITE TO MAKE MONEY. I WRITE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM MEANT TO DO. THAT'S MY GIFT. I AM USING IT! GOOD LUCK, DANI SHAPIRO. AS I WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT ON HER BLOG, WHICH YOU CAN FIND BY CLICKING THIS LINK:
http://www.danishapiro.com/blog/2009/09/on-taking-risks.html

I WISH YOU CONTINUED SUCCESS, GOD'S DAILY BLESSINGS, AND FOR JESUS CHRIST TO TOUCH YOUR HEART. YOU APPEAR TO NEED HIM, BADLY. BUT, THAT'S JUST ME...
-Elisa Me