The Low Down on Depression

Due to unfortunate discovery that this is a subject not nearly discussed enough, I felt obligated to explain to our readers why you should never ask someone who says they are depressed, "Why are you depressed?"

Surviving Depression is like recovering from a heroin addiction. At least, according to this movie I saw Things We Lost in the Fire (2007) starring Benicio Del Torro and Halle Barry. When I watched this movie it was very moving. I've known drug addicts and Thank God I've never been one! Just witnessing the withdrawal process shown in this movie is a horrible experience... Still, it made me realize how closely related the diseases' are to one another.

The last time I hit rock bottom [again] my week ended like this: Thursday I slept over and had to drive my son, Dak (6) to school. I signed him in at 9am...then, Friday I slept over later and got him to school at 10am!! This morning, I slept until nearly Noon... Do we see a pattern here? That's what clinical depressives do. That's also how I found out I was actually going through a "bout" of depression, again.

I saw a commercial asking questions like: "Do you want to close the shades and hide from the world? Do you want to stay at home and not do anything? Do you want to unplug the phone because you don't want to talk to anyone?" I'm sitting there saying, "Yes, yes, yes." Then I thought, "What the crap?" So, I told my wonderful Dr. Scott about it. Needless to say, she raised my Cymbalta dosage by 30mgs and told me to adjust my Wellbutrin prescription. I had been taking it wrong and it was wearing off in the middle of the day! Can you imagine? What a lunkhead.

Anyway, Once the dosage adjustment was made I began to feel better. I still wasn't sleeping right but, what the heck? Something has to suffer in order for something else to get better? Isn't that the natural order of things? Depression is not sadness. It's indescribable for the person living through it. It's not even close to pain...it's just...empty. Like a black hole through the pit of your soul. No one knows where it leads or whence it came. It just is.

I can say that nearing the bottomless well of depression is a slow and tedious process. Climbing out is even harder when the upsetting thing is your own demeaning attitude toward yourself! Did that make sense? It did in my head. I was already upset about not being a "good wife" and not cleaning the house like I used to, I hadn't folded the kids clothes and put them back in their rooms for over a month, I hadn't showered in two days, and I was pretty ashamed to say so.

To this day, I'm still not exercising any of this weight off...then again, I AM the only one complaining about it. My New Year's Resolution was to take after breakfast walks with my children. Well, those didn't exist passed that day! Is it no wonder that I dislike myself? Then, hearing my husband's complaints about the same things I just typed...cleaning, clothes, exercise...just makes the feeling stronger and the self-loathing last longer. It's hard to keep waking up in the morning when you feel this worthless... But I know God Loves me... It's the WHY I can't believe much in, sometimes - or figure out.

Whatever. Who cares, right? That's how manic depressives think themselves into a stupor. I remember crying and driving around one trying night, talking to myself about how lonely I felt living up here in "suburbia." {No offense to anyone.} I actually told myself out loud, "No one wants to move up here with you (meaning up North in KCMO), no one wants to see you, no one wants to talk to you, and you don't have any friends up here because you're a pale, lazy wench that stays inside all day. And you wonder why you're lonely? What a dummy." Yes, we do think those thoughts and yes, we do talk ourselves right back out of it the second the words leave our trembling lips! That's what makes it a mental disorder. LOL!

Back to the movie up top, it dealt with a woman's grief over losing her husband who was a wonderful man, and getting to know his drug addicted Best Friend since childhood. Her grief was obvious but we saw her pain in one tiny scene: she and her two kids were eating breakfast and the kids were playing, teasing each other. The mother [Halle Berry] screamed something like, "Stop it! All I asked you kids for was to eat your breakfast quietly. You little brats!"

That stung... I quickly told my husband, "There! That's what depression is like. My depression is like her grief." What I meant was, I absolutely have that same feeling when I haven't allowed myself to deal with the grief I should have processed Months Ago!! How can I associate my depression with her unprocessed grief? I learned that one in 'Grief Share' a church facilitated and Faith based program for accepting and processing your grief over any type of detrimental loss. Believe it or not, a "loss" can be something as little as the family pet dying to a death in the family. Loss can include a divorce of any length, being fired from the job you've had for so many years, or being laid off in this chaotic time we are in right now. I considered going back through the program, or group sessions again, in order to work through that bout... I never did. Which is really what most of us do; nothing.

Yes, we would rather wait for our current 'episode' to "pass" and not draw any attention to ourselves. Or should I say, any more attention to us, as 9 times out of 10, Someone has noticed Something is wrong. Avoidance is half the battle. Acceptance is the other half. If God can forgive my shortcomings, why can't I forgive myself? That is the eternal question. That, as humans, is on most of our minds in some form, shape, or fashion, at some point and time in our lives. Are we worthy? Am I worthy? He thinks I am. So, why don't I?

-Elisa Me